My husband's family is a huge strain on our marriage. They have caused problems in the past with their two-facedness, jealousy, etc, but we always rose above it. He'd defend me, would stop talking to them, and that seemed like enough until this time around.
His grandmother died in June, and since she was a hoarder, it was a huge undertaking cleaning out her house and settling the estate so his family came up and his dad even took leave from Afghanistan for a couple weeks. It was fine at first, but then his mom and brother (same brother who screwed us in a deal last year and sent nasty messages mostly directed at me with an opening line about how useless I am last year around the time of our first anniversary and never apologized) asked if they could stay with us for ONE night.
It turned into a week, and then a couple more weeks for the brother who is sexist and treated me like crap. Apparently, he resented me being in my home because he didn't get my husband all to himself, and his mom didn't like how I "treated" him since I asked him to take out the trash, etc, and later called him to list all my flaws and all I had done wrong during her stay out of concern that I would "beat him down" like a male family friend who is going through a divorce. While the brother hacked her Facebook so he could attack me publicly on my wall since my husband had me delete him after last year. Nice.
The strain of all of this, and the fact that my husband pretty much neglected me the whole time since he was worried his brother might get lonely, lead to our worst fights ever, and we have always been so happy. Before they came, admittedly I was addressing my issues with his newfound laziness (did nothing around the house to help me and has never had to run and errand related to us both or pay the bills on his own) and criticism of me even in "good fun." But all in all, we were happy and in love. Those fights got so bad that while I don't believe in divorce, and neither does he, I contemplated leaving. He was so callous, cruel, and I felt like he was blaming me for how his family acts and treats me/us (around the time of his brother's FB attack, his mom told our mutual friends that he settled for me, and that my medical condition is made up even though it doesn't stop me from working full time and taking care of her son and our house and all the responsibilities that go with both). He even pushed me a couple of times, but since I come from an abusive past, I used to struggle with the physical (pushing mostly, not respecting bubbles when it came to him), but after I realized I was continuing the cycle, I stopped, and that was months & months ago.
Anywho, our second anniversary came in August, and we had a great time despite all the upset and uncertainty that had preceded it by days and weeks. Then his family all went back home, and it's been almost a month. The healing started, our routine and privacy returned (we live in a 1 bedroom apartment so the guests were especially burdensome), he swore he loved me, that he wanted our marriage to work, that he hadn't mean all the awful things he said, that he would set boundaries with his family...And things were lovey dovey, romantic, and sweet again, but then there would be times when we would argue (99% of the time because I would try to tell him how I felt about something or have a serious conversation) and suddenly it all had been my fault, why can't I just get along, let go, move on, he hates me, etc. Then he would get mad at me for having to "start over every day" and prove that he loves me. He would tell me I am too sensitive, I feel too much, I focus on the past (to him anything that has already happened, even just recently, it the past and can never be mentioned even if relevant), he's not going to change, his mom was right about me and my flaws, he's been too pressured because I don't have enough friends here (he grew up here, I didn't and we're 800 miles away from my friends & family, and a 1,000 from his) and he's tired of feeling like he has to be with me all the time and be my "everything," and all these things I need to change, but he doesn't have to change...
I have been working like mad on the valid flaws, and the other day he tried to say I haven't changed at all, then back-pedaled. We argued last Friday night because he invited over a friend who hurt his kids in his divorce proceedings and I dared to say that I was not looking forward to seeing him, the other day we argued because I told him about my bad day and why I had been irritated with him (turned into a huge fight because he was trying to convince me that I was still mad! Probably the work stress with that one), and then tonight I recognized a pattern in his family's behavior (they have their worst bouts around the time of our anniversary, the first time being a few days after we got married, the second time being with how his brother acted last year two days after our first anniversary, and this year how his mom and brother acted before our second anniversary and after). He didn't see the importance, didn't know what the pattern meant, doesn't like me asking "questions like that," and just wants to "live his life." I wasn't bringing up what happened in those incidents or drudging up old history, just pointing out that they formed a pattern thinking it would help us better set boundaries (starting to think that will never happen), and he even told that I should just move on until the next pattern thing happened, or something to that affect. No, I am not letting the BS and drama continue.
It turned into an actual fight an hour later, when I wouldn't come to bed with him, and told him I needed some space via the couch. He tried to charm me into sleeping with him, and when that didn't work it turned into an argument. And once again, he was lashing out at me, telling me how much he hates me, pushed me out of the room, told me that he hates me family and never wants anything to do with them after that they did two years ago when I am supposed to give his family endless chances when they repeatedly cause drama and hurt me and that the incident two years ago was why he has nothing to do with them, that he hates me family for ruining his life because "if they hadn't abused you, I wouldn't have felt sorry for you, wouldn't have rescued you, and after that we got engaged and married." Funny since he's made the same verbal threat to me that my dad did the night that my husband was so upset by it that he "rescued me."
He left (that's a new thing that's started with these fights, the need to leave to cool off because he doesn't want to hurt me, whatever that means), and he's never actually left, and was gone for an hour. Came back and went straight back to our room, shut the door. I knocked, and asked if I could ask one question. He told me it was my stupid questions that started this whole thing, and why couldn't I see that he was under so much pressure from work, wants to do a good job so he can get a raise? No, I'm just the woman who tried talking to him about it, and was told that he didn't want to talk about it. I'm just the woman who puts all her energy into showing her love not just telling it, and bought his favorite ice cream and left him a note since I would be gone at work when he got home from his worst day. Yadayadayada. Then he launched into how he didn't understand the pattern thing, and I reminded him that he was already tired, and that this wasn't the time to talk about it. He said some other things, so I told him how I felt about a couple things, to step up, or step aside. Then to soften the blow, said I love you. He said nothing until I looked surprised over it.
I am tired of the arguing. I am tired of feeling like his family has poisoned him against me, because now suddenly he has an out for all the issues I had been trying to get him to see before they came, and can put it all off on me with their blessing. I am tired of being lonely here, and then being made to feel like a burden for it. I am tired of trying to make our marriage work alone and feeling like we're on the edge of disaster while he doesn't see it as a big deal because I do, I am lacking faith in God and our marriage. I am tired of being criticized over every little thing whether it be how I sing along with a favorite song or how I'm not able to do enough of this or that. I can't talk to him about anything. Either my jokes are lame, my stories don't interest him, it turns into a fight, or I'm told I turn everything into being about me! I told him the other night I would pray that his project went well, and he got MAD at me, and told me there I go again making everything about me. And so on and so forth.
I have tried to tell him I can't keep our marriage alive on my own, and he tried telling me not too long ago that marriage/relationships shouldn't be work, and he's tired of having to work. I can't leave him, but I can't stay if this continues either...I know it's only been a month of the really bad stuff, but nothing really changes. I resent being told all I have to change and literally being told during on disagreement last month "I haven't changed, I'm not going to change, there's the door if you don't like it" by him. He did show vast improvement, we were happy again, and he was being sweet, thoughtful, and even helped more around the house (minor things, but it was a start) this past week or so, but still the communication sucks and I feel like I am walking on eggshells because anything can turn into a fight. I don't know how to fix it. Change it. Or get him to see that HE has a problem and needs to work on all of this WITH ME. Advice?
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